Let’s talk relationships. All you have to do is listen to any song or watch any movie or read any book to see that love and relationships are front and center. Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and developed into a theory of adult love by Sue Johnson, offers insights into how our early relationships with caregivers shape our behaviors and expectations in adult romantic relationships. In other words, our past affects our present. Understanding attachment styles can lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections with our partners, so let’s dive in.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior in relationships that are rooted in our early interactions with caregivers. A person’s attachment style is how they manage distress and disconnect in their relationships. Do they get anxious and needy? Do they disconnect and shut down? Our attachment style influences how we connect with our partners, handle conflict, and express affection. There are four primary styles:

Secure Attachment

• Characteristics: Individuals with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with intimacy and are able to balance their needs for closeness and independence. They are responsive to their partner’s needs and are effective communicators. They tend to view relationships as safe and have a positive view of themselves and others.
• Impact on Relationships: Securely attached individuals tend to have stable and healthy relationships. They trust their partners and are able to manage conflicts constructively.

Anxious Attachment

• Characteristics: People with an anxious attachment style often seek high levels of closeness and approval from their partners. They may worry about their partner’s availability and can be sensitive to perceived signs of rejection. When they feel disconnect they turn up the emotional heat and need a lot of connection/reassurance. They can be seen as needy or demanding. They tend to view relationships as unsafe and have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others.
• Impact on Relationships: Those with anxious attachment may come across as clingy or overly dependent. They often need reassurance and may struggle with jealousy or insecurity.

Avoidant Attachment

• Characteristics: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style value their independence and may distance themselves from their partners. They often find it challenging to depend on others and may struggle with vulnerability. Avoidant individuals have learned that relationships and emotions are unsafe and have learned to shut down their needs and move to hyper independence. They can be seen as uncaring or distant. Individuals with avoidant attachment tend to view relationships as unsafe and have a pseudo-positive view of themselves and a negative view of others.
• Impact on Relationships: Avoidant individuals might seem emotionally distant or disengaged. They may avoid deep emotional connections and can be uncomfortable with intimacy.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

• Characteristics: This style combines elements of both anxious and avoidant attachment. People with this style desire close relationships but simultaneously fear getting too close. They often have conflicting feelings about intimacy. Individuals with this complex attachment style have typically experienced trauma in their lives that creates an unorganized way of showing up in relationships.
• Impact on Relationships: Fearful-avoidant individuals may experience intense emotional highs and lows. They desperately want closeness and connection but also fear it deeply. Their mixed feelings about intimacy can lead to unpredictable behavior and difficulty maintaining stable relationships.

How Attachment Styles Affect Communication Patterns

• Securely attached partners typically communicate openly and effectively. In contrast, those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles might struggle with expressing their needs or emotions, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Conflict Resolution

• Securely attached individuals are more likely to handle conflicts calmly and constructively. Anxious partners may become overly emotional or defensive, while avoidant partners might withdraw or minimize the issue.

Intimacy and Independence

• Secure attachment allows for a healthy balance between intimacy and independence. Anxious individuals might crave more closeness than their partner is comfortable with, while avoidant individuals might push for more space.

Trust and Reassurance

• Trust is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. Secure partners naturally build trust, whereas anxious individuals may need frequent reassurance. Avoidant partners might struggle with trust due to their discomfort with vulnerability.

Navigating Attachment Styles in Your Relationship

Self-Awareness

• Understanding your own attachment style and that of your partner can be the first step in improving your relationship. Self-awareness allows you to recognize your triggers and work on addressing them. Find a trained individual therapist who can help you navigate your own relationship history and attachment style.

Open Communication

• Talk openly with your partner about your needs, fears, and expectations. This can help bridge gaps and build understanding, especially if you have different attachment styles.

Seek Professional Help

• If attachment issues are causing significant problems in your relationship, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide tools and strategies to address attachment-related challenges. Emotionally Focused Therapy is considered the gold standard for couple’s therapy, and focuses greatly on attachment. Our therapists at The Family Therapy Clinic have extensive training in EFT and in working with couples.

Practice Patience and Empathy

• Building a strong relationship takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate attachment dynamics. Cultivating empathy and understanding can strengthen your bond.

Conclusion

Attachment styles profoundly influence how we interact in our relationships. By understanding and addressing these styles, couples can build stronger, more resilient connections. Whether you’re in a relationship or seeking to understand past ones, recognizing these patterns can lead to healthier, more satisfying partnerships.

Begin Couples Counseling in American Fork, UT

It is possible to change your attachment style! Remember, knowledge and communication are powerful tools for fostering love and understanding. Our team of therapists can help you improve communication and create stronger bonds. Start your therapy journey with The Family Therapy Clinic by following these simple steps:

1. Schedule a consultation.
2. Learn more about our therapeutic approaches here.
3. Start improving couples’ communication!

OTHER SERVICES OFFERED WITH THE FAMILY THERAPY CLINIC

Couples therapy isn’t the only service offered at The Family Therapy Clinic. Our team provides comprehensive mental health services designed to address your unique needs including teenage support for anxiety or depression, post-divorce, and support with your faith. Our specialized therapists also offer adult anxiety, adult depression, and  OCD therapy, ensuring a holistic approach to mental wellness across different life stages.