Whether you’ve been married for decades or are just getting home from your honeymoon, marriage takes work. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to think of changing your marriage relationship for the better, but more than the grand gestures and big shifts, marriage researcher John Gottman emphasizes that doing “small things often” will keep your relationship strong.

Research shows that marriages don’t end because of increasing fighting, but rather they end due to lack of emotional connection. The best relationships have partners who are emotionally attuned to each other, which is a fancy way of saying strong marriages consist of partners who know their partner is there for them, that their partner is responsive to them, and that they matter to their partner. 

You build that emotional connection by doing the small things often.

Here are 4 things you can do right now to get you started on keeping that connection alive.

Respond positively to bids.

A bid is a term John Gottman uses to describe any effort for connection or attention between partners. Bids can be straightforward (like asking your spouse to watch a movie with you) or more subtle (mentioning something about the weather). There are 4 ways we can respond to a bid from our partner (turn toward, turn enthusiastically toward, turn away/ignore, turn against). Gottman found that couples who consistently responded positively to each other’s bids were significantly more likely to feel satisfied and stay together. Turning toward a bid looks like responding to requests, paying attention to what your partner says, sharing events and thoughts and spending time together.

Soft startup.

This is another Gottman term. In a  6 year study of newlyweds Gottman found that he could predict whether couples would stay together just by observing the first 3 minutes of an argument. Soft startup refers to how you begin a difficult conversation. If you start a conversation with high levels of negative emotion, blame and criticism it greatly decreases the chances of the conversation being productive. Being able to discuss difficult things while still expressing affection, using appropriate humor, and avoiding blame, criticism and defensiveness are key to the conversation going well and to the overall health and happiness of the relationship long term.

Assume positive intent.

Maybe your spouse didn’t do the dishes when they said they would because your child needed extra help with homework that night. Maybe he or she is late coming home because a friend needed help. Try to take a pause before you react and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. This can be difficult when there are past hurts that come up in our relationships, but trying to pause and remember that you and your partner are on the same team can be helpful.

Ability to admit when you’re wrong.

The ability to see how you are contributing to the problem and take accountability for your part is a huge part of having a healthy and happy relationship. None of us are perfect and we all have bad days or triggers or times where we don’t show up how we would like to. A real apology includes acknowledging the impact of your actions on your partner even if the intention was good. In other words being able to say I’m sorry I hurt you even if I didn’t mean to. People have a difficult time letting things go if they don’t feel like the person who hurt them really understands why they were hurt. If your partner seems to be holding on to hurt, try owning your role in their pain and communicating that clearly, and then showing change in action to back up your apology.

These small things done often can make a big impact for the better on your relationship. Responding positively to your partner’s bids, using a soft startup for difficult conversations, assuming positive intent and being able to admit when you’re wrong are all important parts of cultivating a healthy relationship.

Start Working With a Marriage Counselor in American Fork, UT

Improving your marriage doesn’t require grand gestures—small, meaningful changes can make all the difference. If you and your partner are struggling with communication, emotional connection, or past hurts, professional support can help. Our team would be happy to offer support from our American Fork, UT-based practice. Start your therapy journey with The Family Therapy Clinic by following these simple steps:

1. Schedule a consultation.
2. Learn more about our team of caring therapists.
3. Start improving the strength of your marriage!

Other Services Offered with The Family Therapy Clinic in Utah

At The Family Therapy Clinic, we provide comprehensive mental health services designed to address your unique needs. We are happy to offer marriage counseling, but this isn’t the only service we offer. Our team of specialized therapists is happy to offer couples therapy, adult anxiety, therapy for teens facing anxiety and depression, and OCD therapy, ensuring a holistic approach to mental wellness across different life stages. Visit our blog for more helpful info!